my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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