whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
