last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
