I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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