Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
