Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
lol hangovers are for mortals.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
