I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
