I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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