She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
