i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
