where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
