I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Randomize
