hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
