I feel great
I just peed on a car
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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