I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
As shirtless as possible
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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