I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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