i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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