First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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