He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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