Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize