Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
