i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
