i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
