i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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