My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
