mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
