Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
