he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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