Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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