worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
