I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
