I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
