guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
