my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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