Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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