Cold hands, warm shart.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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