dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
