Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
it hurts more in the daytime
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
