i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
