I faked an abortion last night.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
