Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
He kissed a someone with a penis
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
high people should be assigned attendants
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Randomize
