Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
