Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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