do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
