Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
The adults are the big ones right?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
