I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
