Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
