It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
