I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
