I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
