Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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