Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
