I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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