I got chris browned last night
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
