ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
