I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
