I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
