The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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