WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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