what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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