Your face is a jimmy john
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
